You are reading Page 37 of Bob's Blog/diary/dream/story/journey/novelistic memoir.
He is 84 years old and counting!
Saturday 1st July 2023.
‘A time to weep and a time to laugh’ was a line from a reading at John’s funeral yesterday. Sad though it was it brought together a bunch of old codgers who reminisced about everything that could be reminisced about, and more. Condolences to John’s family and thanks for the spread provided at The Oxshott (Men’s) Club afterwards. John joins those laid to rest in Cobham Cemetery where we visit often, and, I nearly said, ‘where we aspire to’, but I’ll probably redact that later.
I will admit that I was very moved by the sight of the stained glass window in St Andrew’s Church Oxshott. I was christened there and I’d not been there since I was in the choir. If you want something to make you weep at my funeral you can play this -
And if you want something to make you laugh you can play this –
Sunday 2nd July 2023.
Yesterday, following spaghetti bolognaise, lethargy and an afternoon snooze energy returned at 5pm. I booked another trip to Pagham, this time at Dave and Theresa's, scraped off all the loose paint from the back wall ready for another Banksy, bought a lottery ticket and blew lots of raspberries. Why did I blow lots of raspberries? Because Kathleen is teaching me to sing and blowing raspberries is part of the warm up exercises. If you don't believe me check her out HERE. She's great Hartley. Singing, she tells me, is great for lifting the mood. You could, of course, get the same thing from experiencing the healing powers of The Oxshott Village Sign close up or from long shadows morning or evening. Gavin called to enquire if I had made up my mind about moving, I told him I've taken up singing instead.
Monday 3rd July 2023.
Lottie popped in yesterday, she made an apple pie, had a swing, hit the swing ball, downloaded Roblox and popped off again.
When I was 17, in 1956, during the second year of my apprenticeship I was introduced to the soldering iron. I can still smell it now. I learnt to solder wire to terminal strips, fixed and variable resistors, capacitors, coils, transformers, valves, switches, dials, gauges and cathode ray tubes. With the introduction of transistors, diodes, microchips and printed circuit boards I learnt to convert circuits into hardware on the drawing board.
With the development of the binary code, silicone chips, digital technology and algorithms, circuits have now developed into virtual life with artificial intelligence. A jelly of electrical impulses. I was reminded by Emma yesterday that we are all 'a jelly of electrical impulses'. So, in our highly insulated world we need to be ‘grounded’ or ‘earthed’ occasionally, to release the ‘static’, to have any chance of working properly. We conclude that we should take off our Grensons and run bare foot on the beach at Pagham or Pevensey. Or, if you can't run or wouldn’t be seen dead in Pagham or Pevensey make sure your Grensons are super conductive Tim. Another ground plugging idea? Maybe they are already? What do I know?
Tuesday 4th July 2023.
'I think you will find that my lottery ticket is a winner' I said to the young lady in Waitrose.
She slotted it through the machine.
'Sorry', she says.
'But I checked. It has 3 numbers that match, it's worth £10'.
She calls the supervisor.
'Sorry old man you've made a mistake'. Well, she didn’t say old man but I wouldn't have complained. I was convinced, I'm never wrong, I ran home as fast as I could to check. My ticket was for Saturday and not Friday. I had mistakenly checked it against Fridays results.
Wednesday 5th July 2023.
By the way Tim, if you are getting worried about not being ‘earthed’ or not being ‘plugged in’ to the earth because of the insulating effect of your shoes or your carpets all you need to do is touch your taps now and again to get rid of the static. Not sure if Clint realises that. You can check him out HERE.
Thursday 6th July 2023.
I expect my switched on reader will notice I've deleted the riveting story about Hartley, Marty, Ben, Bob and Charles. This is because I couldn't handle the excitement of the developing plot. I might turn it into a bestseller one day.
Talking about being 'switched on' I have 'grounded' myself with a 30 ft length of copper wire with one end wrapped around the gas pipe and the other end wrapped around a piece of copper pipe which I hold onto while watching TV. The mind boggles! The effect will be life changing, no more sleepless nights, no more inflammation, no more aches and pains, increased energy and a new fur coat. I've got plenty of copper wire if you are interested.
If you don't have a gas pipe you could, of course, strip out a length of copper wire from your 3 core cable connect one end to the earthing terminal of a standard 3 pin plug (make sure it's the earthing terminal) wrap the other end a couple of times around your finger and plug in to any socket but don't tell anyone I told you. The effect, even after only one episode of East Enders being 'plugged in', will be (is) dramatic. I reckon somebody should conduct a survey of those who are 'conducted' and those who are 'insulated'. If you prefer to pay money for all this stuff you can try Groundology.co.uk. It could, of course, be the Pine Needle Tea effect kicking in.
Friday 7th July 2023.
Spending most of yesterday gardening in bare feet (grounded) meant that I was accepted into The Black Foot Tribe. Not disrespectful, very honoured. The last time I attended a 'pow-wow' was in 2001 which is an experience I will never forget. It was in Mackinaw City, North Michigan. We were invited to join the gyrating dance to the sound of the hypnotic, pulsating rhythm of ‘the drum’, hypnotherapeutic even. I bought a couple of ‘dreamcatchers’ which are now hanging on the bedroom wall still catching dreams.
Saturday 8th July 2023.
A short ferry ride across the lake from Mackinaw City is Mackinac Island, another dreamlike community. Why is it dreamlike? Because there are no cars, only bikes and horses. It also boasts the ‘Grand Hotel’ which is ‘Grand’ in every sense of the word. It was built in 1887. It does have a lot to offer and is worth a visit. Even the website will blow your socks off!
While we were in that area little did we know that not far away there is a BG ( rather large! ) gravestone on the top of a hill in a cemetery called Andersonville Cemetery, Oakland County, Michigan. The stone is engraved with the name WILLIAM BEESLEY who died on 5th February 1906 and his wife MARY J GILLESPIE. We have since discovered that, amazingly, he is Marcia's grandfather's brother (great uncle). He married Mary Jane in Quebec, they had no children so he left his money to his family. Marcia's father Harry got £12. How William got there and what he was doing there needs a bit more family history research. I do have a picture of the gravestone also a picture of William. So, if anyone in the family, Georgie and Bonnie?, is interested in taking this further let me know.
Sunday 9th July 2023.
Thanks to Chic (RIP Chic) and Lyn for ferrying us around Michigan on a number of occasions. Memories.
A rich mix of self satisfying tasks were completed yesterday. A long over due visit to the dump, or The Community Recycling Centre, was extremely satisfying. Joining queues of fellow dumpers chucking boot fulls of stuff into cavernous bins is great sport, provided you don't chuck your testicles, spectacles, hat, wallet or watch in as well. Followed by a visit to somewhere but I can't remember where, well I can remember but it is not for publication. Followed by a visit to the plumbers to get something but I can't remember what it was. Followed by a guy from Egypt turning up to collect the Microwave I'd put on eBay. Followed by fitting something I'd bought at the plumbers to cure the leak in the gutters. Followed by a relaxing couple of hours listening to vintage cassette tapes playing country and western favourites which took us back to cruising Highway 99 in 1969. Memories.
All this activity meant that there was no energy left to visit The Oxshott Club for music night. Tragic.
Monday 10th July 2023.
Just to confirm that this blog/story might be fact or fiction but it certainly isn't science fiction. Never understood science fiction, only science fact, and the fact that my volt meter indicated yesterday that the voltage measured between my ears was rapidly fluctuating between minus 2 and plus 11 millivolts. That is, until I connected my grounding wire to my big toe. It took a minute or two but immediately I earthed myself the fluctuations started to decrease and slowed to standstill around zero volts, so QED don't you think? You may make of it what you will but I reckon Clint and I are on the same page. My earthing connection was to any three pin plug with the live and neutral pins removed, you don't even have to switch it on. The benefits or otherwise will be confirmed in in the coming millennia.
I'd love to show you a picture of my potatoes and runners but all the best books don't have pictures. If you would like to see some great pictures get along to Denbies Vinyard Art Gallery this week and buy a couple of Hartley's, you won't be disappointed.
Tuesday 11th July 2023.
Driving a Duster to West Wittering and then on to Pagham could have been memorable but fortunately it wasn't. The only thing that was memorable was that my twenty year old Tom Tom failed to connect with a geostationary satellite but the remaining brain cell stepped in and coped admirably. Walking once more around East Head with the lowest tide I've ever seen exposing vast sandscapes of sand conjured up visions of Lawrence of Arabia bouncing by on his camel but tripping over Hazel the Cockerpoo spoilt the vision. The Annexe at Pagham turned out to be cosy, modern, clean and quiet.
However. It has a small twee back yard with a magnificent fig twee (sorry tree). Unfortunately the magnificent fig tree has magnificent branches that scrape and bash themselves on the roof when the wind blows, the wind blew all night! Zero sleep and potentially a damaged roof. Complaints to the management will be made and with any luck a full refund will be forthcoming. I spent most of the night awake but 'grounded'.
I would add that Dave has kindly offered to fix the fig tree.
Wednesday 12th July 2023.
Dave wasted no time in pruning the fig tree. Thanks Dave. An ambitious plan to hike a couple of miles to the 'Crab and Lobster' (again) was abandoned 10 minutes into the hike in favour of a stroll across the rotting vegetation on the rim of Pagham Harbour, the stench and underfoot conditions at times threatened an early burial but fortunately the tide was out. Washed up amongst the soggy seaweed was an exquisitely designed abandoned sailing dinghy which I popped into my rucksack for Lottie to copy when next she next needs a project. The boom was made from a wooden lolly stick, in fact I was so impressed with the simple design I took a picture. A ten minute pause to marvel at the antics of the wildlife on Pagham Lagoon is a must. The sight of millions of caravans crowding the opposite bank all stuffed with stuff is also a must. More strolls amongst the motley selection of bungalows and a brief kite flying session signalled the end of available energy for the day. Sadly, we had to decline Elvis's offer to rock around the clock.
It is 5am in Pagham as I write. (I spent the night 'grounded'). The graceful gulls are performing impressive aerobatics overhead, the wind has dropped, the sea is the sea and we have to leave the cosy, clean, quiet, modern annexe and drive, thanks to Ivan, to another dreamlike place? Even though I feel Pagham has no more to offer it still, for some unknown reason, has magnetism.
Thursday 13th July 2023.
Dreaming up a story about the drive back to Dreamland (Cobham?) would be fiction so I won't even try. A flawless performance by the Duster and the driver as usual Ivan, so no worries, even the Tom Tom had something to say but as usual he got it wrong. The only worry was that I had a strong desire to drive on the wrong side of the road leaving Pagham, not sure why. Maybe I thought I was in Ibiza. I also had a strong desire to pop in for a coffee in Denbies Vinyard but I was persuaded otherwise. Sorry Hartley.
I am reluctant to report on the effects of being 'grounded' or 'connected to earth' because it might give you the wrong impression but my ailments are disappearing, new energy is returning and my new fur coat of many colours is growing. I have reported my findings to Clint but he's probably ignoring me because he knows that my DIY earthing wire will put him out of business. I'll get Dan to do me a Serious YouTube video, he's got the experience.
‘Two medium senior cod and chips and mushy peas please, sorry I’ll use the touch screen to get 10% off’
‘Sorry I touched the wrong link, I touched back instead of forward, I forgot my glasses’
‘Not to worry I’ll touch it for you’
‘Do I still get 10% off?’
‘You forgot the mushy peas’
‘That’s OK I’ll throw them in for nothing’
‘Thanks very much’
‘And by the way you’ve got large and not medium’
You wouldn’t get that in Pagham.
Re-launch of 'The Oxshott Village Sign' must have items can be found HERE.
Friday 14th July 2023.
Dear Mr Jones
Thank you for your email of the post office and the booklet that I have 6 weeks ago by the way I'm looking for a G J Fuller who was my first time buyers, so perhaps we can get it done in your area. Unfortunately I couldn't find my paint scrapers so it had a pond in Oxshott Village Sign Plaques in position. I am seeking an experienced team of people who have been more than happy to help you.
The above was written by Artificial Intelligence just in case you were wondering.
Sorry about the price of the Oxshott Village Sign stuff, not much I can do about it but you can always download the original artwork from HERE and get your own made. Let me know if you have a problem. That is of course if you really can't live without your Oxshott Village Sign teeshirt! By the way, the Pagham Village Sign is falling apart because it's made of wood, that'll never happen to the Oxshott Village Sign. You can see it on Google maps opposite the Pagham Beach Cafe. I'm getting withdrawal symptoms from Pagham already, I need to see the sea Hartley. What do you say? When you've packed up your paintings at Denbies, that is if you haven't sold them all, you could pick me up in your old Lanchester and we could find an empty railway carriage on the beach. Or, if your old Lanchester has given up the ghost I'll pick you up on my Lambretta LD 150, don't forget your scarf and goggles. I'll buy you a knickerbocker glory!
Did you know that Pagham has a ladies football team and boasts the oldest pram race in the world?
Saturday 15th July 2023.
Yesterday I spotted a car driving through Cobham High Street with a boot full of explosives. Paraffin, barbecue lighting fluid, aerosol cans, gas cylinders, paint, paint thinners and matches. How do I know? It was me. Except that the matches were fictional. Why? Because the shed had been harbouring the stuff for over 50 years and it all had to go. The guys at the dump, as always, we're very appreciative. Continuing on to Bookham via Denbies to get another bit for the gutter, why Denbies? For a cup of coffee of course, although Julie did a great job on persuading me to join Epsom Art Group but that was another dream I think, I'll check with my dream catcher. An in depth conversation with a young lady in the street giving away bowel cancer testing kits wasn't on my list and wasn't a dream, I've got proof! I've also got proof that nobody reads this. So.
Talking about healthy diets, if you've been wondering how my potatoes are coming along, I dug up a glovefull yesterday and cooked them (I can cook), they were Désirée you remember, they were extremely desirable but they need rain for a sackful. Fortunately, rain arrived in bucketfuls during our evening stroll past The Running Mare, I was allowed to dream!
I hope you were able to watch the first night of The Proms last night at The Royal Albert Hall, very uplifting, I first went there in 1965 in my split screen soft top Morris Minor, no parking meters, no yellow lines, no congestion charge and no ULEZ, my passenger was already a celebrated artist and exhibited her paintings 58 years later at Denbies!
Sunday 16th July 2023.
Having been to Pagham, the dump and Denbies twice in a month what more can be left in life? The drive to Surbiton and back twice in a day didn't quite do it. Buying a can of slug pellets at Cobham Garden Club didn't quite do it. Watching fluffy cumulus drifting overhead didn't quite do it. Reading a few pages of 'The Sea, The Sea' didn't quite do it. Listening to an old lady telling me the same thing over and over and over again didn't quite do it. Looking in the mirror didn't quite do it. Deleting endless junk email didn't quite do it. Tending the runners ready for the wind didn't quite do it. Admiring my new aquisitions didn't quite do it. Checking the bank balance didn’t quite do it. But together, all those things did do it.
Easy to please.
Looking at the headlines I think somebody ought to re-read Energy from the Tidal Stream and the Design Office ought to get their finger out before it's too late.
Monday 17th July 2023.
Familiar, but different every time, is a hike around Polesden Lacey. Despite the Sunday crowds eager to enjoy the Sunday afternoon 'Jazz on the Lawn' a tranquil hike through the fields, meadows and woods is always possible if you know where you're going. It's not far from Denbies but I'd been there twice already this month so that was that, sorry Hartley. Fortunately road closures forced us into the Plough at Effingham for a Sunday lunchtime pint (or two) which turned into a Sunday roast and Sunday live music by 'The Radars' in the garden. A totally unexpected but highly recommended treat. Simple pleasures. The Duster knew the route home intimately!
A new artform came to me in the night Hartley, probably because I was 'earthed' and probably because I found a couple of old cast iron shoe lasts in the shed. They weigh a ton and some people use them as doorstops. I could clean them up, you could get your paints out and paint them psychedelically. What do you say? They'd go like heavy hot cakes in Cobham High Street. Perhaps we could do the same with my old garden tools. Echoes of other failed potty ideas are emerging!
A sensible idea would be for somebody to re-read Energy from the Tidal Stream and for the Design Office to get their finger out before it's too late.
Tuesday 18th July 2023.
When you are very old I understand that you might be inclined to repeat yourself, hopefully I will never be afflicted.
If you are hooked on the idea of being 'grounded' or 'earthed' then I suggest you find a 2 metre length of single strand copper wire (you will find this in most skips), strip off all the insulation, wrap one end around a broom handle a couple of times and twist the end around itself a few times. If there is a sharp end you can wrap a bit of sellotape around it. You now have a loop about 1 inch diameter to wrap round your finger or toe.
Connect the other end of your wire to the earth pin of any standard 3 pin plug. Be sure to remove the live and neutral pins before you close the plug. You now have a bare copper wire 2 metres long with a loop at one end and a plug with only one pin at the other end which looks a bit odd but is quite safe to plug into any socket. You don't need to switch it on, the earth terminal is always connected to earth. If you don't believe me click HERE.
You can then happily sit, stand, lie down or sleep on your copper wire and remain 'connected' or 'grounded'. You can even get half a dozen friends and all be connected at the same time if you so wish. You can even sleep with your copper loop around the third finger on your left hand and be 'married' to the earth. If you have any doubts or worries you can check with Dr Sinatra HERE. You can of course run around in your bare feet all day but they might not like it in Waitrose.
And at the risk of repeating myself I think somebody ought to re-read Energy from the Tidal Stream and the Design Office ought to get their finger out before it's too late.
Wednesday 19th July 2023.
I've decided to go on strike today, I'm not sure why but it seems the popular thing to do. You can always read Energy from the Tidal Stream again and tell the Design Office to get their finger out. Just had a thought, maybe they're on strike as well. I suppose we'll just have to go for another stroll around Polesden Lacey Hartley.
Thursday 20th July 2023.
It would appear that the Design Office has burst into life so hopefully they can solve the problems, we look forward with anticipation. Inspired by Clint I slept on my earthed copper wire last night and woke up with more energy than the tidal stream which, fortunately, is not a lot!
Friday 21st July 2023.
I bought a picture recently, it is entitled 'A Bouquet of Roses', it was painted by Hartley, a stunning piece of artwork but she didn't sign it, at least I thought she didn't sign it, on closer inspection I discovered her signature on one of the rose stems which I thought was very unusual, very unlike her but incredibly creative. I wish I could be incredibly creative. I'm beginning to think I'm 'on the spectrum' but I understand that being 'on the spectrum' means that you are unable to understand what others are thinking. I think if you were able to understand what others are thinking life would be incredibly dull don't you think? Not knowing what others are thinking is far preferable to knowing what others are thinking. Sleeping on copper wire, drinking pine needle tea and dreaming up crazy ideas about tidal energy are likely to be other symptoms of being 'on the spectrum'. Maybe we are all 'on the spectrum'. Spectrum means, amongst other things, the delicate colours of the rainbow, just like my 'Bouquet of Roses'. The hand that painted 'A Bouquet of Roses' is the same hand I held 60 years ago but I'm not thinking what you think I'm thinking. The very idea!
Saturday 22nd July 2023.
Last night I nearly strangled myself with copper wire so don't forget to read the instructions.
Talking about 60 years ago avid readers of this blog/dream/story will know that I decided to learn to fly, or if you don't you should do. In order to fly an aeroplane you will need a medical check. Unfortunately, at the time, my blood pressure was a bit of a worry so Dr Lyttle prescribed a pill. It could have been caused by too many shandy's at Oxshott Mens Club but highly unlikely. Over the years the pills were increased, decrased and swopped around so now I'm on Prolopol, Prilipril and Plodopine or something like that and my blood pressure is way below normal but hopefully that's OK. Anyway, for 30 years I took the pills first thing in the morning and then for the next 30 years I took them last thing at night. Yesterday I read the instructions and it says 'to be taken with food' so now I'm taking them lunchtime. Just thought I'd mention it. Read the instructions.
Sunday 23rd July 2023.
If you refer back to Tuesday 18th July you will find instructions on how to be 'earthed' or 'grounded'. As we have already discovered there are those who believe that there are many health benefits of being 'grounded'. I would go further, I would suggest that being 'connected' to earth will improve your knowledge. I'm not suggesting that you can plug in and download a first class honours degree in your chosen subject but on second thoughts maybe I am. I am also suggesting that if you and your favourite person are 'connected' at the same time a form of communication can be made. I'm also suggesting that rather than 'take' all the time from the earth we can, by being 'connected', 'give back' or help heal our Earth. www.helphealearth.com ?
'A Bouquet of Roses'
Wednesday 26th July 2023.
Can you give me any reason why my 'invention' is not being developed as a matter of urgency?
Full details on www.walktowork.co.uk/moon
With warmest regards,
The Lone Inventor.
You have read Page 37 of Bob's Blog/diary/dream/story/journey/novelistic memoir.
He is 84 years old and counting!