Saturday 2nd May 2026.

​

This blog contains gory details so be warned.

 

Last Thursday, on returning from Waitrose on Reg with a few bits of shopping, the phone was ringing.

 

'Mr Jones, Dr Karim, get yourself to A & E without delay.  Your 24 hour heart monitor registers a delay for 13 seconds between heart beats at one point', Blimey no wonder I blacked out 3 weeks ago.

 

Fortunately Dan was nearest, he was enjoying a cup of tea with Cherry.  Sorry Cherry.

 

Following 5 minutes of preparing for death Dan arrives, packs a bag full of pyjamas, slippers, dressing gown and toothbrush (no toothpaste!) and we set for Epsom A & E at 'blue light' speeds (Dan has experience).  Following admission, minimum waiting, questions and tests, Paramedics Tattooed Jen and Jill (Jen's great grandfather was Stirling Moss) slide me on to their ambulance trolley and we set off with Tattooed Jen at the wheel, sirens blaring, blue lights flashing from Epsom to St George's Tooting A & E.  Stirling would be proud of his great granddaughter.

 

Deposited into a bed in a large room suitable for a party with 300 guests, but nobody else at the party.  The reason is that they don't expect you to last the night without a pacemaker and disturbing other 'party guests' might not be appropriate in the middle of the night.

 

Grandson Ivan arrives with a Ginster and sandwiches, thanks Ivan.  No sleep because bells, .whistles, squarks and alarms from machine next to your bed, also incessant loud chatting from what sounds like a canteen next door.  Not to mention your blood pressure machine pumping up your arm every half hour.

 

Morning arrives, fortunately.  Slid onto another trolley, another dash past loads of other trolleys and slid onto the operating table at 11am (no breakfast).

 

Dr Fiona dressed in her dark blue pyjamas introduces herself as the doctor who will be performing the procedure, what she doesn't tell you is that this is her first attempt at the procedure but she is under close supervision from Dr Keith in his maroon pyjamas.

 

Standing by in case of emergency are Nurses Ying, Tong, Inli and Fo.  Nurse Fo has her scissors and papier mache urine bottle at the ready.

 

A detailed study of the supporting structure of the two ton television which is to be parked above your chest is possible before eye covering, thinks, hope those guys in the stress department have got their sums right. 

 

Dr Fiona gently disinfects your left collar bone area, injects local anaesthetic and starts slicing a 2-inch square window of flesh back.  Painless except for heavy pressing on your chest stemming the blood flow.  Dr Fiona carefully (eager to impress) exposes vein in to your heart and slides a couple of probes down the vein and into your Atrium and Ventricle, carefully.  Y. All carefully monitored by Tom from Texas shouting instructions in the background, left a bit, back a bit, right a bit down a bit, yeah that's about right.  Dr Fiona then connects the ends of the probes to a battery and hangs it on your collar bone.  She then gets out her needle and thread and begins stitch up.

 

During the stitch up process Nurse Fo is called into action with her urine bottle but she's too late. , Dr Keith says 'not to worry when you've got to go you've got to go'.

 

Two and a half hours later, deposited back into a ward next to Terry,  Terry has been brought in part way by Helicopter (jealous).  Next morning Terry waddles into the toilet unaided and 20 minutes later l heard a oud bang, Terry has passed out and set all the red lights ablaze in adjoining wards.  Swift action plus CPR saves not very old Terry for another day.  Finally Porridge and honey for breakfast arrives.

 

A morning of blood tests, blood pressure checks, heart rate checks and ultrasound scans the decision for discharge is given.

 

Discover a bag of clothes is missing which is communicated to all wards.  Finally bag of jeans, sweater, socks and other items is found, Phew.

 

Following lunch of chicken, chips and rhubarb crumble grandson Ivan arrives again with more goodies to be 'dealt with'.  Great.

 

The 'Departure Lounge' has beds for the afflicted and the staff are super efficient.  Angel No 1 arrives from Rye, picks up great grandfather and deposits him back home.  Initially, great gran is quite pleased to see great grandfather back home

 

There is more but that'll do for now.

​

Sunday 3rd May 2026.

​

Happy birthday Emma, our 'Wise Owl'!